What does it mean to be queer?
How do you define queerness? According to Merrimam-Webster, the standard — albeit outdated — definition of queer (‘kwir) is:
a: of, relating to, or characterized by sexual or romantic attraction that is not limited to people of a particular gender identity or sexual orientation.
Rings a bell. What you may not know is that it isn’t that simple. It’s not just about gender identity or sexual orientation. It is also defined in that same dictionary as:
b: differing in some way from what is usual or normal.
c: eccentric or unconventional.
I am, by all definitions, queer.
Been so since as far back as I can remember. For years, it was a fact I felt best to withhold. To lie about through omission. I never said I wasn’t queer; I just erred on the side of not saying I was unless directly asked. Call it societal, cultural and/or religious oppression. Whatever you call it, it took me until my 20s to live it out loud. Last year, I got to live my queerness out loud, proudly, and celebrate it in a way I hadn’t ever done before.
It was summer 2022 and I was in my “yes” era. A time I affectionately trademarked as my Summer of Yes and Fuck It, I’ll Go toThat (#SOYAFIIGTT). (More on that later.)
So when I received an invitation from a dear friend to travel halfway around the world to attend a queer music festival — the world’s biggest and best queer music festival at that, I said yes. Hell yes.
“You comin’ to B-Town birthday, baybee?” Mikey asks. (Translation: Are you comin’ to Berlin for my birthday?”)
“Yes! Happening!” Like hell yes I’m coming to a birthday soiree at a music festival. Give me a reason to travel internationally, to use my passport. Please. I beg you.
Mikey and I have been friends since we met on an un-air conditioned, fake luxury bus traveling overnight from Chiang Mai, Thailand to Vang Vieng, Laos in summer 2011. I was in Asia backpacking alone for the first time, and true to form, I was eager to make friends. Needless to say this friendship stuck. And there’s clearly a summer theme happening here.
Wednesday, August 24th, 2023: I’m eastbound on a flight out of JFK headed for Berlin. Flights (plural) but let’s keep it simple. After the requisite in-flight champs and Biscoff cookies - sleep - airport lounge leg stretch - next flight - champs again - watch movies again combo, it’s afternoon the next day. I’ve arrived. Once at Mikey’s abode, he greets me at the door. The door opens, and all I can see is his arm, extended out, offering me a vodka cocktail. Instantly, I feel at home.
“Babes, you’re here. Drink this. I’m making myself some clothes for the fest. It’s gonna be a zebra muumuu. Ain’t it cute?”
To be clear, I walked right into a party. A hopping one. Mikey, ever the consummate host, is designing an outfit while playing resident DJ while also entertaining a bevy of colorful characters. Attendees included — but were not limited to — a naked photographer, a gorgeous former professional international volleyball player, a glowing free spirit , and a fellow American and ex-pat.
I remember feeling like I was having an out-of-body experience. Here I was, fresh off a plane, now in the center of this ooey, gooey cadre of people from different parts of the world and walks of life. Everyone was so authentically themselves. No guise, no pretense, no what-ifs. Just being and vibing. It was exquisite.
One minute, I’m talking about photography with a professional who takes nudes of people who want to come out of their shell and guides them effortlessly out of their clothes with the most beautiful aura and softest voice I’d ever heard. The next minute, I’m talking about art, philosophy and music with another, with folks naturally sauntering in and out of the conversation, adding their own dash of spice, intelligence and intrigue. Almost everyone here considers themselves queer, even if only a little. I’m so dazzled and content. Switched on. What’s that feeling when you feel like you might not belong but ultimately you do? Kismet? Kismet.
Oh, and during this party, we are packing for the trip to the festival tomorrow. Did I mention that we’re going to a queer music festival? WHOLE Festival, as it’s called, is taking place over the course of three days at Ferropolis in Gräfenhainichen, Germany. It’s essentially like Glastonbury in that it’s a sleep-away festival. The difference is WHOLE is exclusively EDM music and everyone is queer.
What ensued over the next three days at WHOLE is too much to write here. Maybe I’ll tell you the whole story when you’re older. For now, some of the juiciest highlights include:
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