Capacity Check #9
From 25% to 80%: what it actually takes to come back to yourself (4.21.26)
Mic check 1, 2…1, 2. Is this thing on?
Yeah? Great. Hi, it’s been a while, let’s check in…
Capacity: What is my capacity today?
(Physical, emotional, mental, energetic)
Today my capacity feels like:
80%. 8 spoons.
Which feels… confusing, all things considered. Because if you had asked me a few days ago, I was at 25%, barely holding it together after one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do.
And yet, here I am.
Clearer. Emotional fog lifting more everyday. Returning to myself. Still hurting, of course, but not drowning in it.
I didn’t expect that. Honestly, I thought this would keep me down for longer.
What’s changed?
Not the situation. And certainly not what has been said to me since. Things like:
“fuck you”
“you’re ruining my life”
“stay the fuck out of my life”
etc.
That part is very real. I’m still sitting with it as it echoes and takes time to fully land.
What’s changed isn’t outside of me. What’s changed is me.
I’m feeling the hard emotions in real time. I’m actively processing with the help of my support team. I’m prioritizing self-care as a clearing mechanism. And because of the deep work I’ve been doing on myself over the past few years, I’m stronger. I don’t let the fear, hurt and trauma lie to me as long as I used to. Therefore, my bounce back rate is faster than ever.
::Pats self on the back::
2. Surrender: How can I honor that truth today?
(No need to overcome, just honor.)
To honor my capacity, I’m:
Letting two things be true at the same time.
I can be deeply hurt by what was said to me… and still know I did the right thing.
I can feel the sting of being villainized… and refuse to rewrite reality to make someone else more comfortable.
I can grieve the relationship I thought I had… and accept the one that’s actually in front of me.
There’s nothing for me to fix here. Nothing for me to convince him of. Nothing for me to prove.
That’s the part that’s hard to sit with. But it’s becoming less so.
3. Boundaries: What boundary needs to be set or softened?
(External or internal. Big or small.)
The boundary I’m practicing today is:
Taking him at his word (albeit mental illness-induced).
He said:
“Stay the fuck out of my life.”
So I will. Not as punishment. Not as a game. But as a boundary.
If I’m being honest, there’s a part of me that wants epically petty. That wants him to feel the weight of that. To understand what it actually means. To realize what I carried for him. To miss me. To regret it.
Yes, I want to “traumatize my dad back” as the internet girlies say! LOL. I’m not above that feeling. Not at all!
But I’m also not going to build my behavior around that desire.
Because it’s not about getting even. It’s about setting boundaries that set me free.
4. Release Valve: How will I release?
(Let that energy move!)
My release valve(s) today:
Letting the anger exist without needing to act on it.
Saying the things I wish I could say… just not to him.
Moving my body.
Laughing when I can.
Crying when it hits.
And reminding myself that I don’t have to carry this forever.
Something I’m realizing in real time:
Just because something is traumatic doesn’t mean it has to define me.
Just because someone assigns me a role in their story doesn’t mean I have to accept it if it’s undeserved.
That’s what 80% capacity looks like today: Not perfect. Not entirely at peace. But clear and bouncing back stronger.
Because no matter what, you can’t keep a bad bitch down for long 💜.
x, Jocelyn J
If you’re journaling along, you’re welcome to share your capacity in the comments. No context required.