Capacity Check #6
3.3.26
It’s been a while. And you’ll never guess why.
1. Capacity: What is my capacity today?
(Physical, emotional, mental, energetic)
Today my capacity feels like:
40%. 4 spoons.
Remember when I was talking about grief last post and all the forms it can take? I’ve been swimming in grief in some form or another since then.
Why, you ask? Because I broke my hand last week.
I broke my hand trying to kill a mouse at 2am.
I broke my right hand trying to trap and kill a mouse with an empty drinking glass at 2am.
I broke dominant hand by slapping down a glass at a weird angle to trap a mouse my cat kept catching and playing with instead of just killing at 2am.
I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried. My real life has an air of ridiculousness that just happens naturally
Almost immediately slapping that glass down, I knew something was wrong. There was a splint second of pain followed by trembling fingers. I looked down at my trembling hand in shock like, “what just happened?” It immediately started to swell.
”Well, this ain’t gon be good.”
I went back to bed with a swollen hand, thinking that I must have just dislocated a finger. The next morning I realized it wasn’t going to get better on its own. One cry for help and a ride to the ER later, X-rays confirmed what I never expected.
The doctor walks in as my sister and I are cracking about how rock bottom this situation is — especially because in that moment, I also had a red eye from getting facial cleanser in it whilst attempting to shower with the aforementioned inquired hand before arriving — and goes, “Well, you broke it!”
::Stares blankly, mouth agape::
“I…WHAT?!”
I’ve never officially broken a bone before. Sure, I’ve broken a toe or two because I’m constantly ramming my feet into sharp corners of things. But never a “real” bone.
One trip to the ortho later, I’m rocking a bright orange cast and am largely incapable of being self-sufficient.
Everything is harder. Including typing. I’m slower, and the list of ailments has grown from hives to:
Persistent hives
Chipped front tooth (a lifetime first)
Broken dominant hand (also a lifetime first)
Soooo, those 4 spoons are the best I’ve got.
2. Surrender: How can I honor that truth today?
(No need to overcome, just honor.)
To honor my capacity, I’m:
Refusing to stay in denial about what’s happening and allowing it to be OK that I can’t do everything on my own nor as quickly as I used to.
3. Boundaries: What boundary needs to be set or softened?
(External or internal. Big or small.)
The boundary I’m practicing today is:
Slowing down. Asking for help more.
4. Release Valve: How will I release?
(Let that energy move!)
My release valve today:
Writing. Honestly, writing this was surprisingly cathartic. It took me way longer to do and kinda hurt but it was nice to get it off my chest.
And… something else I said last post has come back to haunt me:
“And if I relapse back into my addiction to rotisserie chicken, there’s no shame in that.”
I have, indeed, relapsed. No shame. I’ve found comfort in knowing there’s a community of others folks battling the same demon. I am not alone in this fight.
I am so brave (LOLLL).
That’s all she (painfully) wrote.
x, Jocelyn J
P.S. It dawned on me yesterday that I broke my hand during the Mercury Retrograde pre-shadow, two days before the official start. And now we’ve just had a lunar eclipse and 6 planets are currently “parading.”
P.P.S. Buckle up, it’s gonna be a wild month.
If you’re journaling along, you’re welcome to share your capacity in the comments. No context required.
i love your candor and this capacity check, Jocelyn! My release valve today is working from home after a long day (and night) yesterday in the office and with clients.